EXiT 185 Improv Comedy

The disclaimers at the end of emails really annoy me. Here is theirs, and mine.

Typical tough guy email notification:

This message is intended only for the individual or entity to which it is addressed and contains information that is proprietary to Guzzie Farnwankle Corporation and/or its affiliates, or may be otherwise confidential. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, or the employee agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail and delete this message from your computer. Thank you.

My reply:

This message was received by me by no act or force of will of my own. Regardless of who the sender intended it for, and whether or not it contains what you think is proprietary information, and whether or not that information is confidential, this reader assumes no responsibility whatsoever for the dissemination, distribution or copying of this information. You have no right to prohibit, strictly or otherwise, any use of this information by me. I will not be bound to notify you if this information was received in error nor to delete it from my computer.

Furthermore, the original sender needs to understand that Email is not a secure message medium. And I am not bound to pick up your dirty socks. I may have been checking my email on the video game console owned by my neighbor’s kid, a public library computer, or a smart phone somebody at the company picnic loaned me after a few beers. The message might still be there or on some 13 year old’s Facebook account by now.

The sender needs to further understand that half of your employees send jokes and pictures containing this boring, heavy-handed disclaimer and warning, with their full intent being that the information contained therein is to be shared with everybody I can think of!

Finally, lighten up and get a life. Who are you to demand anything? If you have important information you had better institute better controls and policies than that which allows a copy of it to get to wankerboy at jellydonut.com. If you are stupid enough that it gets sent to me, I might send a copy to the Pope, Hells Angels, PeeWee Herman, Saturday Night Live, Improv Olympic, the joint chiefs, Dennis Miller, Jon Stewart, Howard Stern, the Second Amendment Sisters, the DAR, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Not sure yet on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

By the way, I received nothing of value from you. As a matter of fact I received an unwanted email with your lousy attempt at intimidation. So we have no exchange of value, no implied contract and you have no right to demand ANYTHING of me. EVER. Got it?

HOWEVER… If you are willing to get off of your high horse and actually treat a person like a person, here is a solution. Just ask politely. Really. I would gladly delete a message, protect your interests and do you a favor with a reply, if you just ask nicely.
We all make mistakes. I would be glad to help you avoid embarrassment. But if you try to bully me with overpaid-lawyer braggadocio, I will give your message to the geekiest computer nerds I know, with an offer of free energy drinks to the person who can send it the farthest around the web, fastest.

Thank you.

See you at the footlights!

Feb202010

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